What the mirror?

Since I last wrote on my blog, a lot of things have changed. Most notably, the workplace and the country. Yet in many ways, things stayed the same and happiness still eluded me. I felt myself betrayed by some friends, and then I hurt others in return. I was waiting for magic to suddenly appear in my life, while I was blind to the miracles unfolding in front of me. I was expecting a savior to appear, when all I needed was to ask for help from the people around me.

And then, when in a moment of rage I ended things with one of my best friends on account of stupid politics, I realized that the very things I hated were the things I deeply disliked about myself.

If I would take a close, honest look at my own reflection in the mirror, what would I see?

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  • Lack of discipline
  • Hypocrisy
  • Fear of others
  • Fear about the future
  • Blame mentality
  • Victim mindset
  • Laziness
  • Racism (about gypsies)
  • Procrastination
  • Judgement
  • Jealousy
  • Emotional coercion
  • Self hate
  • Criticism of self and others
  • Bitterness
  • Unnecessary verbal harshness
  • Gossip

A really ugly picture, right?

THIS …
… is the end result of a lifetime of poor choices in the form of settling for things that I knew would make me unhappy in the long term by going for the easy, instant gratification kind of moments. I got stuck in my own spider web of misery.

It’s so easy to get distracted in this era, and I kept breaking the promises I made myself for too long.

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Who do I really want to be?

I asked myself the question Michael Hyatt suggested in his book, Living Forward: “What will they say when I am dead?”

I want to be remembered as someone who passionately cared about the people in her life. Someone who dared to do the things she feared to do, because her goal was to live out her highest potential. Someone unafraid to live a life of love and passion, of creativity, personal growth and adventure. Someone resilient, who could be strong in her vulnerability. Someone who you would love to have coffee with, especially the times when you would need to be reminded your own desires in life. I want to be that woman who will empower and support the people around her, and at the same time set strong boundaries about what I am or am not willing to do or take on (as per Brené Brown’ advice)

It’s time to stop drifting and start intentionally creating the life I desire living.

On a final note,

…. one thing I am going to make a shift in right away is where I spend my time.

So, I decided that I am going to be off facebook for a while, do more writing while keeping my eyes “on the prize” 🙂

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I will go back to using email as a form of communication.

IF

… you want to hear about what books I loved reading, what epic new things I discovered, the articles I find interesting, or what people I listen to, sign up for my monthly friends only newsletter.

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Or you can write me an email anytime you want 😉

Blessings!

sign-alina

What ifs

One of my dreams has been to live in Australia. However, after 10 years, I have not done a single thing to make that dream come true. My mind has done a very good job at keeping me in the familiar “stay in your home town” zone, by terrifying me with these worst case scenarios.

What if I get sick, with no one to help me?
What if I get broke and die of hunger, homeless, in the cold?
What if I end up being totally alone and miserable?
What if … ?
What if … ?
What if … ?

No matter how much encouragement or support I got in my life, my own self confidence has never been strong enough to overcome the omnipresent voice of my fears.

This year, I decided to take a step back and told myself, “maybe staying in Europe would be safer”. I set myself a deadline for this new goal, and the closer that date is getting, I can feel the anxiety getting stronger and stronger. All the “what ifs” start invading my mind, raising my pulse, making my breath shallow.

Successful people have learned how to cope with fear, using it to their own advantage. Avoiding it, like I have been doing so much of in my life, lead me to a life that lacks passion, love, joy, fulfillment … fun. The opposite is true also. The times I took action, dealing with the anxiety and discomfort of navigating in unknown territory, amazing things happened.

However, this time around I know of a simple fix. Being aware of my own physiological reactions to it, I can choose to use the untapped power of fear. Based on ‘Gestalt therapy’ creator Fritz Perls conclusion that “Fear is excitement without breath”, the trick is to use breathing as a way to consciously transmute fear it into excitement.

fear-excitement

Here is a funny video about what goes on in our brains when we set bold goals.

What next? Well, for the next 100 days, I am challenging myself to a new way of experiencing fear. At the end of this period, my set intention is to have my suitcase packed, ready to go and a new adventure waiting to be lived out in joy, excitement and hopefully, love.

Believe it can be done

Writing the first post on one’s blog is quite a challenge for many people, me included. My desire to get back to blogging has been growing for a long time, but I always found myself lacking the time, the inspiration or the motivation for it. And today, as an old friend I care about is laying on a far away hospital bed fighting cancer, I am reminded once again that life is too short to worry about being perfect, the true reason behind my fear of writing.

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Looking over to my motivational quote poster I put on my office wall almost a year ago, I felt this sudden impulse to just log in to my website and write something. Anything. I am taking the pressure of creating from the very beginning something “great” or “memorable”, because this first post is just for me. My declaration for committing to the process of re-designing my life, one fear defying action at a time.

To paraphrase a good friend of mine, sometimes, writing a little is better than not writing at all.